---
untitled
empty, brainless dead and lifeless sharp edge, stainless wish this blood would stain less staring, sightless blinding brightness coward, fightless wish that we could fight less /4th may 2021/
---
untitled
i need my medicine
it is just a bottle away
i need my medicine
and no one will take it away
i need my medicine
please someone save me from myself
i need my medicine
but no one's left to give me help
i need my medicine
so i can't remember today
i need my medicine
so i can fall asleep again
i need my medicine
there's no one who will smell my breath
i need my medicine
just another bottle til death
and i wake up again, repeating this hell
/2nd feb 2021/
---
untitled
filling myself up
so i don't feel empty again
emptying myself
so i can feel something again
/26th jan 2021/
---
untitled
actual usless being
31 with 31 reasons to die
31 that's 31 years gone by
124 seasons im seeing
124 reasons im bleeding
372 months i have wasted
372 months i am wasted
5 minutes is all it takes
to make 31 years of pain go away
/20th jan 2021/
---
untitled
i've [redacted] again
just keep [redacted] again
can't stop [redacted]
i need [redacted]
give me [redacted]
can't live without [redacted]
can't die without [redacted]
life is [redacted]
death is [redacted]
my friends are [redacted] away
my family is [redacted] away
my life has been [redacted] away
there's nothing left in my life
so i am [redacted] again
/20th jan 2021/
---
untitled
i need you
with me
i need you
near me
i need you
see me
i need you
hear me
i need you
please be
i need you
reality
/20th jan 2021/
---
untitled
i'm always alone
walking this solitary endless path
i'm always alone
walking in the dark
i'm always alone
where night turns into day turns into night
i'm always alone
there's no one in sight
i'm always alone
with procrastination my only friend
i'm always alone
wine will be my end
i'm always alone
locked in with a key i lost long ago
i'm always alone
cell-like heart hollow
i'm always alone
from spring to summer, autumn and winter
i'm always alone
my soul a cinder
i'm always alone
i might need you to save me from myself
i'm always alone
and i might need help
i'm always alone
only losing my mind my mind my mind
i'm always alone
company's not kind
i'm always alone
always reminding myself i'm alone
i'm always alone
i'm always alone
i'm always alone
/28th oct 2020/
---
untitled
i'm walking around every day
looking for you to take me away
yet i don't know you, or who you are
but if we meet just take me afar
i'm so lonely, i can't stand it
maybe one day i'll give up and quit
maybe one day i can find myself
just maybe one day i can find help
a friend in need is a friend indeed
there's only silence when i'm in need
if walls talked back, i would talk to them
if you talked back, i would be your friend
i haven't had friends in years and years
i never had them at all, i fear
i leave everyone that becomes close
and so in the end i'm just a ghost
haunting the space between my bedposts
/22nd oct 2020/
---
untitled
i can't sleep when i'm dreaming of you
i can't sleep because i'm thinking of you
i can't sleep when my dream's about you
i can't sleep because i'm here without you
and if i sleep forever, you might miss me too
/21st oct 2020/
---
untitled
severing
severed skin
severed by
several things
severely
/21st oct 2020/
---
procrastination is my only friend
time is passing by
time to say goodbye
time for this to stop
time for me to drop
time to end my fear
time has ended here
time to reach the ledge
time to jump the edge
time to take a breath
time to go meet death
time to feel the breeze
time to feel so free
time to close my eyes
time for me to die
but i'm doing fine
so maybe next time.
/5th oct 2020/
---
collection
another to add to my collection
a number to add to my obsession
i'm collecting them all one two three four
just maybe one day i'll collect them all
i've collected them on my left and right
but to be safe i've kept them out of sight
if i trust you maybe i'll let you see
if i trust you maybe i'll raise my sleeve
please don't mind me i really don't need help
because a collection is meaningless if you keep it to yourself
/5th oct 2020/
---
untitled
im terribly drunk
it is all i want to do
i am so lonely
/22nd aug 2020/
---
untitled
don't hear me
i can't be heard
don't see me
i can't be seen
don't smell me
i can't be smelled
don't feel me
i can't be felt
don't hold me
i can't be held
don't touch me
i can't be touched
don't kiss me
i can't be kissed
don't miss me
i can't be missed
don't hit me
i can't be hurt
don't hurt me
i can't be worse
don't save me
i can't be saved
don't love me
i can't be loved
please call me
i'm on the phone
don't leave me
i'm all alone
/17th may 2020/
---
untitled
my eyes are falling apart, it's hard to see
i don't mind, who needs to see
my teeth are falling apart, it's hard to eat
i don't mind, who needs to eat
my lungs are falling apart, it's hard to breathe
i don't mind, who needs to breathe
my bed is falling apart, it's hard to sleep
i don't mind, who needs to sleep
my legs are falling apart, it's hard to walk
i don't mind, who needs to walk
my wrist is falling apart, it's hard to write
i don't mind, who needs to write
my hair is falling apart, it's hard to style
i don't mind, who needs a style
my room is falling apart, it's hard to move
i don't mind, who needs to move
my mind is falling apart, it's hard to think
i don't mind, who needs to think
my life is falling apart, it's hard to live
i don't mind, who needs to live
/17th may 2020/
---
untitled
/13th may 2020/
---
/ / / /
a little line is all it takes
from point a to point b
a little line is all it takes
maybe i'll be set free
a little line is all it takes
or two or three or four
a little line is all it takes
and i'm begging for more
a little line is all it takes
my heart skipping a beat
a little line is all it takes
shivers from head to feet
a little line is all it takes
i'll stop when i say "when"
a little line is all it takes
and i need it again
a little line is all it takes
to take me far away
a little line is all it takes
to keep the need at bay
a little line is all it takes
so my skin will sever
a little line is all it takes
repeating forever
/12th may 2020/
---
untitled
i can't stop choking on my own breath
like sucking though a straw
i can't breathe, i only think of death
nothing's left anymore
choke choke choke choke my head filled with smoke
this cigarette's burnt out
my life has no punch-line; a bad joke
i'm filled with endless doubt
die die die i can't remember why
or when my life had end
or how my red eyes are always dry
and nothing to call friend
every day is the same day
every rhyme's the same rhyme
my life's just groundhog day
there's nothing left to rhyme
like a broken clock, i'm out of time
/31st jan 2020/
---
untitled
I'm standing on this tepid shore
The sand made from eroded rust
And dirt and broken glass and dust
As the endless tide crawls up more
My feet get wet and red with blood
The sand around me turns to mud
To my knees, I can't see the floor
The rising sea red red red red
As if the ground itself had bled
Red rain starts to drip drop and pour
Ice cold, a shock goes through me fast
My curled toes get cut up by glass
Waves in the distance look like gore
Bits and bobs and red red rising
The smell of death unsurprising
They're coming closer than before
These waves will drown me, drown me, drown
I squeeze my eyes, hold my breath down
The sea takes me without a sound
/22nd sept 2019/
---
untitled
scary fairy tear-y tear-y
tears apart a blue canary
served up on a silver platter
baby blue stained in blood splatter
feathers pulled for decoration
wings snapped up in mutilation
she sprinkled it with fairy dust
made of sulfur and powdered rust
then drizzled it pain-filled tears
with a side of childhood fears
her dish all done, she had a munch
and that's how fairies have their lunch
/21st sept 2019/
---
3:35am
Drowning in seas of things I can't see
Hopes and dreams are suffocating me
My chest can't hold, there's not air to breathe
So I start to choke, I start to heave
As hidden depths pull me down to sleep
/19th sept 2019/
---
untitled
take me to another day
where the sky is not as grey
where there's not a drop of rain
when my body's not in pain
take me to another day
maybe back to early may
maybe some day up in june
just take me far away soon
take me to another day
don't know if i'll find a way
don't know if it's help i need
or another day to bleed
take me to another day
yesterday's not here to stay
yesterday's not coming back
make tomorrow fade to black
just take me to another day
so that i forget today
/19th sept 2019/
---
midnight stroll
stepping through streets, night's come at last
moving my feet, walking too fast
gotta slow down, gear back the pace
don't make a sound, it's not a race
there's a full moon, but not a star
it's midnight soon, and i've walked far
the sky is dead, suburbian
take me instead, oblivion
the tree tops sway, but there's no wind
to take me away, i cannot win
it's a fools moon, a forlorn sight
i may be doomed, but not this night
this town grows tall, like an ant farm
higher to fall, guess there's no harm
jump from the top, freedom at last
my footsteps stop, i've walked too fast
i've made it home before midnight passed.
/14th sept 2019/
---
untitled
rain rain go away
come again another day
rain rain came again
why won't this rain ever end?
rain rain please come back
rain until my vision's black
rain rain here to stay
i hope it washes me away.
/14th sept 2019/
---
untitled
I can't breathe
The air's too thick
And my chest's too heavy
I can't breathe
I can't think
Thoughts like water
And my mind is a sieve
I can't think
I can't feel
Everything's grey
And nothing excites me
I can't feel
I can't love
My heart is dead
And gone without a trace
I can't love
Yet my dreams cascade into me like a waterfall,
A tiny hope that I can get up and stand at all.
/13th sept 2019/
---
untitled
I haven't smiled in years
I haven't cried in years
I haven't loved in years
I haven't lived in years
But at least I've lived these years.
/13th sept 2019/
---
untitled
my heart's drowned in a frozen hell
clank clank clank clank
every beat's a clanging bell
and i don't have the breath to yell
my insides fell away from me
sink sink sink sank
stepping up stairs you cant see
the last stair air under your feet
this drowning feeling will not go
mind's blank blank blank
i can't breathe, my chest is hollow
i'm choking on air i can't swallow
nothing interests me anymore
drink drink drink drank
my hope's a drink i drank before
the bitter taste of a rotten core
i don't feel pain yet everything is sore
/12th sept 2019/
---
untitled
christmas lunch
christmas lights
christmas punch
christmas fights
christmas never get it right
/25th dec 2018/
---
misgivings
I've noticed a trend of things unjust,
Propaganda to make us adjust.
Each one brings me a feel of disgust
And yet none of this can be discussed.
A society that fell to lust,
Men are spoon-fed helpings of distrust
As women's worth crumble to dust:
Mettle of relations turned to rust.
Parenthood sidelined, now not a must,
Yet children used and abused in trust.
A storm is coming, now just a gust—
And I hope I'm around to see it all bust.
/19th dec 2018/
---
Summer Stroll
I'm walking down sunburnt asphalt roads;
Shoe soles too thin, my feet are burning.
Grey clouds in the horizon forebodes
The fall of rain that I am yearning...
... As the clock keeps turning.
/19th dec 2018/
---
untitled
another year gone by
another heavy sigh
another place to be
another home for me
another sing along
another lover's song
another heart beats fast
another love won't last
another page to fill
another dream to kill
another blade pressed down
another emotion drowned
another pain to live
another heart to give
another thoughtless smile
another life-long mile
but i'll walk, even if it kills me.
/17th nov 2018/
---
Princess
A precious Princess pranced 'pon park play-fields.
This Princess (who was Precious), filled with life,
Ran and ran: her playfulness did not yield
Even through accidents and times of strife.
I wish we'd gone out more, the sun still bright;
Made other friends, she was always alone,
I really only took her out at night.
My biggest regret is leaving her home.
Her shining eyes that were filled with wonder—
That now-blank gaze stares at me listlessly.
Today, I put my best friend to slumber,
And she now sleeps forever painlessly.
Thinking back to the times she was my world,
So I pat her head one last time: "Good girl."
/28th may 2018/
/princess 2005 - 2018/
---
It's okay.
It's okay to dream a dream
Of lands unseen
'Cross conquered seas
It's okay to have dreams.
It's okay to live a full life
To find a wife
Live without strife
It's okay to have a life.
It's okay to feel hope inside
To go outside
Not have to hide
It's okay to hope inside
It's okay to show emotions
Rocking boat on
Depths of oceans
It's okay to have emotion.
It's okay to look back times past
Of heroes vast
And doubt left cast
It's okay to have a past.
It's okay to be kept in sight
The flame alight
Stand up and fight
It's okay to be
/31st mar 2018/
---
Lost byway, lost my way
I've strayed off the road
Of recovery,
I'm left all alone
With none to help me.
This path paved in mud
Where nothing can grow:
It's dirt mixed with blood.
My footsteps are slow,
I sink with each step—
But there's no footprints
From where I have left,
And it always stinks.
I struggle onward,
Regret in my heart,
A fence made of swords
Guides me on my path.
There's nothing beyond,
Blades are all I see;
They hum quiet songs:
"Come," they're goading me.
My last attempts failed,
I've crossed them before:
Leaving me impaled,
Wet mud on the floor...
I'll find my way back
By walking ahead,
And if my knees slack
I might lose my head.
I trudge my way forward, lest I fall dead.
/17th jul 2017/
---
detour
My teeth still hurt—
I guess it's no wonder:
Food for dinner,
And fingers for dessert.
/10th jul 2017/
---
two
My bed is made for two,
With blankets made for two,
Count the pillows: one, two—
Either side with drawers, too.
Dining table seats two,
With placemats placed for two.
Two couches made for two,
And bookcase split in two.
Two racks for bathroom towels,
Two hooks for shower sponges;
All these things come in two:
Yet I'm here without you.
/4th jul 2017/
---
country girl in a concrete prairie
The clandestine angel stands
Clad in sundress, drapes and strands
Of hair-bound forget-me-nots—
And I never once forgot.
/30th jun 2017/
---
The Prison
I stare in the bleakest mirror
Found within my deepest mind,
Brought forth from sleeping dreamscapes—
Lucidity.
I looked upon my darkened face
And he stared into my eyes in kind;
My mouth moved in the mirror,
He says to me:
"Why do you trap me in this Hell?"
"I just want to be set free."
"I'm a nice person," he swears.
Dark lips flapping,
"This is hell, and nobody cares,
Loneliness has beset me."
His fist thumps upon the cell,
Glass rattling.
There's no response that I can give,
My lips feel together sewn,
As he raps the glass once more;
A prisoner.
I look down to his hardened jaw—
Had he been there all alone?
With only a wish to leave
Here forever.
He screams at me, begging answers,
But my voice remains silent
As he condemns me of lies
Desperately.
A darkness settles in his eyes,
I can see his mind had bent
And fallen into madness
Delightfully.
He slams the cell door again
And again, but it holds through.
The mirror begins to warp;
Echoed laughter.
"This forsaken prison you've wrought
Hides a secret from you too—
See, I'm just a reflection,"
"I came after."
His shrieks broke near into a song,
Those lips tore a smile unkind.
A terrible thought I bore;
Comprehension.
I stare into the warped mirror
Found within my broken mind,
It was me trapped all along
With my reflection.
/23 jun 2017/
---
repetitive
There is nowhere left to go.
Each twist and turn leads me here;
Like U-turn signs on both ends of the road
With no direction to steer.
I'm not being cynical.
Two steps forwards, two steps back;
This path I've been set on seems cyclical
And I think I'm about to crack.
There is nowhere left to go.
Each day, week, year feels the same,
And every minute just seems so slow—
I have no dreams left to claim
Is this a sign of madness?
Round and round I turn and twist:
Living the same, looking for new answers,
With a wish to not exist.
/9th jun 2017/
---
Where do I look now?
I've built a room around myself:
Four walls, a floor and a ceiling—
To hide all signs that I'm feeling
As I try to find my true self.
The walls are made of warped mirrors,
But they're one way, I can only see
Disfigured expressions of me.
The walls shake, and my face tremors.
People I knew beat on the glass,
They're trying to break a way in
And visit the "me" kept within—
Although my sturdy walls held fast.
The ceiling and floor are darkness,
There are no trace of my footsteps
And the sky is only black depths.
My escape is all but hopeless.
I've build a room around myself:
Four walls, with no window nor door—
There's no one left outside to call
And I think I've lost my true self.
/31st may 2017/
---
Moments before rest
I'm lying in my bed,
Mental congestion plagues me:
Am I alive, or am I dead—
Or do I just want to be set free?
I'm sighing in my head,
Less effort if I don't breathe.
Yet despite all the times I've bled:
I'm still here, without a will to leave.
I'm filling up with dread,
How long will I have to live?
After all the people I've fled,
Loneliness has held me captive.
I'm lying in my bed,
I'll get up in the morning—
But right now, I'll just wish instead:
"Please save me from this bed I'm haunting,"
And pray that Death heeds what I've plead.
/26th may 2017/
---
3 untitled haiku
Today is far gone;
An afternoon depression.
Congealed thoughts rotting.
-
She smiled at me once:
A once in a lifetime smile.
The autumn sun sets.
-
My frozen heart melts
At the sight of a lost love.
Forgotten mural.
/23rd may 2017/
---
Fade to white
Emotions feel so far away;
Out of mind, out of sight.
I don't think I can fight today,
I'm all that's left to fight.
There's no hope, will I find a way?
If there's a way, I might—
But this darkness is here to stay,
There is no home for light.
My shadows are too deep, yet no ray
Of light, just an endless blight.
My wish is to make them all pay,
And fall from deathly heights;
There's no-one to hurt anyway,
My revenge seems so trite.
This may be my loneliest May,
Just myself left to sleight:
So I'll sit and wait for the day,
'Til there's naught left to write—
And my blackened heart just might fade to white.
/23rd may 2017/
---
Every morning
Some people wake up
And think of tomorrow;
Pro-active lifestyle,
With minds clear of sorrow.
Some people wake up
And think about today;
Plans and lists ready
To live life their own way.
Some people wake up
And think back yesterday;
With worry-filled hearts—
A hope for better days.
I wake up tired,
And think of years gone by;
This hell gets longer,
My every breath a sigh:
With a single wish to die.
/23rd may 2017/
---
The Staircase
I'm walking down the staircase
Made of rickety driftwood
And a red rug in place.
I'm walking down quietly,
But each footstep makes a creak.
I try to breathe silently.
"Just what am I avoiding?"
I suddenly ask myself—
Yet I still keep on moving.
Each step takes me to darkness,
The light is left behind me.
I further step with harshness.
I'm walking down the staircase;
Just who knows where I'm headed?
I start to quicken my pace.
I'm stepping down suddenly.
Soon I'll take two steps a time,
Escaping what's behind me.
I don't want to turn around,
But the darkness is choking—
Then I stop without a sound.
Turning, I now see myself
Standing in a spot of light,
He spoke: "You've done this yourself".
I'm standing on the staircase
Made of rickety driftwood,
An image in my mind's space.
I'm standing there quietly—
A yearning to walk upwards
And a wish to be set free.
With nobody to save myself but me.
/23rd may 2017/
---
untitled
Anxiety feels like leaning back in a chair and losing your balance,
That split second of dread spread out into seconds, minutes, hours—
Vertigo combined with going up an elevator too fast, thrill;
With gravity pulling your body down, but you're somehow standing still.
A shortness of breath like being on a rollercoaster
And reaching the tip-top of a dip that never drops.
Anxiety is a hostage situation, I'm a hostage to my mind:
The trigger to the hammer to the gun with no bullet to find.
It's a pressure behind your eyes and ears,
Like during an airplane take off in coach:
The murmuring voices of people around you are static in your head—
And a wish for everything to end
/19th may 2017/
---
anxiety pt 3
I'm sitting in an invisible chair
That's standing in an invisible room.
If I get up, the chair might not be there,
But just keeping still will hasten my doom—
And the people outside just point and stare.
/19th may 2017/
---
i just need sleep and a teaspoon of hope
Everything is exhausting, I'm exhausted.
"Where are you these days" they say,
And I don't know what to say—
All my energy is gone and exhausted.
Nothing even matters to me anymore.
They ask me: "What's the matter?"
I am, and I don't matter
And despite my matter, I matter no more.
What else is there to do but take my own life?
"But there's so much to live for!"
Everyone has said before.
They lie for me, but I was never for life—
Yet for some reason, I don't pick up the knife.
/14th may 2017/
---
reminiscing, sometimes
I like to look at old photographs,
Wondering where the time has gone to
And what's happened to me, too—
Whilst I watch my old self laugh.
Who was this person in my body?
Feeling good, looking even better.
Now I'm just sad and fatter,
Yearning for anybody.
I want to go back to those old days:
Friends, lovers, parties, drugs and laughter.
I gave it all up after
I'd spent three years in a daze.
No one will come save me from this hell—
Hell, I cannot even save myself.
The old me forsook himself,
Before he knew it, I fell.
Those days won't come back to me ever;
I sit here contemplating death and
Stick my head deep in the sand
From all the bonds I'd severed.
So I clench my breaking teeth down hard
And put up with what life deals to me;
Sitting with my hand of three,
Waiting for a better card—
As I bring the rope down to the yard.
/10th may 2017/
---
untitled
When I felt too much of everything,
I wished to feel nothing—
Now that I feel nothing,
I wish to feel anything at all.
/3rd may 2017/
---
routine
Last year was an empty year;
I wonder if happiness is near?
Last month was an empty month—
I'm devoid of feeling, even fear.
Last week was an empty week:
Still no sign of happiness I seek.
Yesterday was an empty day,
I wonder if tomorrow's as bleak?
As I live this empty today.
/3rd may 2017/
---
I couldn't think of anything to write today
My page is empty, my mind is numb
And every thought I think seems dumb.
Or just dumbed-down, like network T.V.,
But there's no tragedy left in me—
The only tragedy left is me.
So I write about the thought of not
Having anything to write, a jot
Of ink smudged across this page of mine,
Filled with snippets of thoughts I'd mined—
My every thought blurred, an ink smudged mind.
What's the point of hitting the point of
Being suicidally depressed, love
Feels like a distant dream in my head.
I can't sleep, but I live in my bed—
Haunted by the void beside me in bed.
I turn up the sound to drown out this
Static on loop in my head: "sssss,"
Stop that, I'm being driven insane.
It's all in my mind, even this pain—
As I look at life through a clouded pane.
Even though the window is too small,
The latch works; opened up with a haul.
I can't leave, but I can hear outside
And my anxiety turns aside—
It whispers, "Hurry up and pick a side."
Anxiety always wins this game;
It's one-sided, like a matchhead's flame,
But even that will burn my fingers
If held too long and left to linger—
Closing the window, I'm left to linger.
I don't play with matches though, unless
A cigarette counts as one, I guess.
I really should smoke less and write more,
Both vices for vices I abhor—
They're my only friends when life is a bore.
It's not that I can't have fun, instead
I'm alone in my head, in my bed
Trying my best to hide from the sun,
And I feel like depression has won—
It's lonely in here, this world made of one.
I'm not the only one in it, just,
I've lost sight of my feelings and trust.
I can't trust that they'll come back to me:
My blurred mind finds it too hard to see—
As the waters slowly rise in my sea.
/13th apr 2017/
---
black widow
I spied her coming close to me
Carefully, so I did not flee—
But she was only, from the start:
A spider closing in on me.
She snuck into my severed skin,
Sneaking suspicions of my sin;
Then buried herself in my heart—
Her web had settled deep within.
Threads stronger than steel wove around,
Legs gripping me without a sound.
I felt numb as I fell apart:
My feelings lost and never found.
/11th apr 2017/
---
insomnia
1am
It's getting late, I should go to bed,
But I turn on a movie instead.
2am
I got bored and didn't watch it through—
Wishing I could turn my mind off too.
3am
Talking to people online this time,
And I try very hard to act fine.
4am
My head is throbbing; "why can't I sleep?"
I ask myself each day of the week.
5am
I should tell them I'm going to rest,
And so I lay down and try my best.
6am
This pillow is uncomfortable—
I throw it aside with a fumble
7am
It's getting warm, the sun is too bright:
When had time come steal away the night?
8am
Just as sleep claims me, a noise abrupt;
I guess it's time I better get up.
/10th apr 2017/
---
Product of the 24th hour.
I am a man of mere necessity, a boy of bare essentials;
I don't like complexity, rather, it vexes me.
When they told me: "Keep It Simple, Stupid", I must have taken it literally,
And while a kiss can be stupid, it's never simple. I just simply make out. Or make do. Or make both.
Although I have no need for extras, I play an "extra" to my own life,
And like a Lifetime movie, the contrast is too heavy and peoples emotions seem so uncanny;
Though never in my life have I seen a valley.
Even if shadows of death came upon me, I would turn them away because I cannot relate.
The only relatable feelings I have are the exasperation's of waiting in line,
Or lying to people about what I do in my spare time.
I'm not embarrassed about my writing, though,
What's embarrassing are the other 23 hours of nothing to show.
There's nothing I've done worthy of any respect, I just write down problems:
A text-to-speech therapist.
But I've never been to therapy, I'm just not good at speeches.
I could sit down and write you the whole world and still be left speechless—
That's not to say I couldn't learn to, it's just the thoughts in my head stop completely when I open my mouth,
And everything I say is either reactionary or recital,
But even what I recite comes out wrong despite what I wrote;
A struggle to stay afloat.
Like when I was a child, I could swim with the best in my class,
But now I'd class myself a liability, and hope I still have the ability to tread water.
I am not a fish, and unlike a fish, I feel myself drowning in my own environment.
The lack of air should surely kill me, yet here I stand, gasping for air I can't stand and I can't seem to understand why—
As another day goes by.
/29th mar 2017/
---
anxiety pt 2
There is a hand that grips my chest;
The hand in my chest keeps gripped as I rest.
Clawed and mangled, and scarred at best—
And a reminder of the life I've messed.
I tried to move on with my life,
But the claws gripped like the edge of a knife,
And the edge of a knife seemed right
To help give me some respite for that night.
Again, my respite was cut short,
As the hand came back and gripped further taut.
It ignored all the times I've fought,
And comes to claim the happiness I've sought.
Since then, a decade has passed by
And still it grips when I pass by passerby's,
And still I cover it with lies—
A depthless ocean filled with endless tides.
People tell me: "Get over it,
You can't be happy when you always quit,"
But I've fallen too far to see
That the hand gripping my chest has been me.
/24th mar 2017/
---
A trip to the shops
Breath running short;
I'm not even running.
Everyone laughs—
But nothing is funny.
Mind's going blank,
A twist in my tummy.
I can't walk straight:
Limbs flop like a dummy.
An endless hell
Of lost personal space.
People watching,
Is something on my face?
I need to leave
And get out of this place.
There's the exit—
I'm gone without a trace.
/24th mar 2017/
---
morning at the grove
Looking 'pon an endless grove,
An endless distance I have drove.
Was the saying, I'm the pot
Next the black kettle on the stove?
Innards forlorn, left to rot—
My running feet slow to a trot.
Moving parts cease to function,
Like a malfunctioning robot.
We first met 'mong this junction,
As kids, sat 'pon grounds for luncheon;
Years spent with one another—
'Til she stole my heart, abduction.
Who knew we would be lovers?
Or the day I asked her father,
And knelt to her that same night.
As rain falls, I fall to cover.
Contaminated by this blight;
When I saw her eyes lose their light,
The kettle had knocked and fell
And all sense of hope gone from sight.
I beg why I've come this hell!
In the distance there tolls a bell:
Memories of lips that wove
And a humid evergreen smell.
Looking 'pon an endless grove,
An endless sadness I have brove—
And still I stand, heading home
As the lone pot left on the stove.
/24th feb 2017/
---
anxiety
Inhale
The gun is pointed at my head—
Greeting me as I lie in bed,
Meeting me wherever I tread;
Night or day, it's always loaded.
Exhale
Inhale
It's waiting for my mask to slip–
My armour checked with holes and rips.
If I say the wrong word, I'll trip
And surely squeeze down on the grip.
Exhale
Inhale
Those around me can't see my plight—
Even as a hostage, I fight,
But red still seeps into my sight:
I can't save me, try as I might.
Exhale
Inhale
The gun is pointed at my head—
Waiting for the times I see red—
And when my heart is filled with dread—
I squeeze the trigger and shoot me dead.
Exhale
Inhale
/21st feb 2017/
---
4am foray on instagram
I peeked upon her picture, a pretty
Starlet stuck among a cement city;
Her poise and pose and pouting lips
Struck something in my soul, serenity.
/6th feb 2017/
---
happy new year, sad old year
Thoughts of endless despair, life's collusion-
Nowhere's safe and everything goes wrong.
Eyes staring upwards, you stand along
The edge, the thin air is no illusion.
Fear clutches at your throat, you can't do this,
You'll just disappoint them all again-
You already do, let's not pretend;
As the ice slips into your heart and twists.
Internal struggle tears at you and claws
At all the regrets left in your head.
The fear's gone, you take a step forward-
With your back facing the fall, safe once more.
/29th dec 2016/
---
merry christmas
christmas greens
christmas whites
christmas reds
christmas lights
christmas trees
christmas sights
christmas gifts
christmas sleights
christmas foods
christmas nights
christmas drinks
christmas fights
/24th dec 2016/
---
comfort
I look around,
Everyday it's bleak skies.
They talk to me,
But all I hear are weak lies.
It's hard to breathe,
My chest forever sinking.
Can't hold it in,
These thoughts I'm ever thinking
I take her hand,
Sharp nails dig into my skin.
We drag them down,
Revealing the dirt within.
Release, relapse,
Falling into disaster.
I'm sinking now,
Happily ever after.
/19th dec 2016/
---
afterthoughts
the days keep melding into each other
days and weeks and months and years
procrastination my only lover
i've slipped through the cracks of society
endless nights of endless fears
like a ghost, i glide along silently
empty notebooks of things i want to write
but i'll do it tomorrow
as all my dreams slowly fade out of sight
they say you can be happy if you smile
yet my forced smile is hollow
a grotesque mimicry, something that's vile
it's easy to escape reality
i've forgotten how to live
and just drown in depthless anxiety
i dislike seeing my old faded scars
past hurts fade like through a sieve
preferring to see my skin freshly marred
i hate the permeating scent of food
the smell and the taste of it
by my own hands and fingers, all but ruined
songs about love make me feel all alone
and alone is how i sit
with all my chances of happiness blown
and procrastination my only lover
/6th dec 2016/
---
an empty day
Empty words on empty pages
Formatted with empty spaces.
Empty thoughts and empty feelings;
Medicate with empty dealings.
Empty smiles and my empty lies,
I've done my best with empty tries.
Empty friendships from empty friends:
They all came to an empty end.
Empty lust in an empty mind-
Hoping to find an empty kind.
Empty lovers and empty ****s-
I can't cry tears with empty ducts.
An empty house, an empty room;
In the night sky, an empty moon.
Empty fears filled with empty dread,
As I lie in this empty bed.
Empty heart feels empty sadness
Trying to fill this emptiness.
/5th dec 2016/
---
a walk to the park
It's too hot.
The sun glares down at me-
I try glaring back, but
My eyes hurt.
Too many;
There's too many people
Enjoying the nice day.
Except me.
Sweat gathers,
Stinging me underneath
Freshly lain bandages.
Pull them off.
Mouth is dry-
Can't tell if it's the heat
Or my anxiety.
Head spinning.
Watching eyes;
They judge me silently.
As a little boy cries
Inside me.
I need out.
An escape from this hell
That the sun brought about.
I go home.
It's too hot.
/3rd dec 2016/
---
untitled
Maw cut gracefully,
A smile is the simplest lie.
I sink in red lips.
/3rd dec 2016/
---
the box in my heart
I've dug a hole, three-so feet deep,
At the bottom, a linen sheet.
Unwrapping it, I find a box-
It's where I keep my hidden thoughts.
I lift the lid, place it aside;
The old box is empty inside.
I take a breath, and scream aloud
Until my throat hurts and eyes cloud.
I wipe off my tears now flowing;
Placed in the box, they start slowing.
My hoarse throat soothes and lungs take air,
There's no sign they were ever there.
I've thrown in my frustration, so
Loneliness is the next to go.
I place no friends to the left side,
And all the times my mother lied,
And all the times I said "I'm fine"
Go deep into this box of mine.
Next I throw out all my regrets.
Memories of failure and debts,
To the box's right side they sit.
As I throw in the times I quit,
And the love I lost in the past-
The old box is filling up fast.
Last I throw in my self-hatred:
Thoughts of bloodlust never sated,
And vices I could never drop.
A taste of bile that never stops
And the joy of a razor blade;
Placed in the box, these thoughts now fade.
Back at the hole, three-so feet deep,
At the bottom, a linen sheet.
I place the lid back on the box-
It's filled with all my hidden thoughts.
Put back in the hole, it's time to hide
The old box that's empty inside.
/26th nov 2016/
---
what happened to dreams
I wonder where my life will go?
Whether every step takes me
Backwards or forwards, I don't know.
As footsteps quicken, my heart slows.
Remembered faces are a blur-
A black mark where their name should be.
Memory's a watercolour,
But the one colour left is her.
A greeting smile, a light-kissed cheek;
The darkness in my heart washed free.
Though that time is gone, still I seek
For that lone pebble in the creek.
Fingertips raw before I stop
My heart stops too, as I flee
Away from the pain: I fall, drop-
As thoughts start over from the top.
I wonder where my life will go?
Every footstep goes nowhere;
Backwards or forwards, I don't know.
As if walking through endless snow:
I look behind me, ground left bare.
/23rd nov 2016/
---
vice
This is a story of love gone astray:
A boy with a girl who won't go away.
Begging for freedom
As you hold me in a vice day by day.
You've consumed me in burning cinders
And left me dry in frozen winters.
I'm suffocating
As your hand comes near, I choke on fingers.
Her violent escapades violate me
Like a tsunami, waters rising free.
Our rivers diverged
But you were still a part of my sea,
"Wake up" you whisper, it's time for our date,
I follow her with a hunger to sate.
A predator's smile
As we feast, the vice grip fills me with hate.
I must keep it down, I beg and plead you-
But the mirror can't lie, that stare is true.
Her hand comes closer,
The grip loosens, my ritual is through-
A tale of love at a quarter to two.
/21st nov 2016/
---
Standing at the train station
Choke.
Lack of air, it's hard the breathe
When there's people around me.
Choke.
Eyes are burning, people stare-
Or are they even still there?
Choke.
Have to check: left right, left right;
Empty peripheral sight.
Choke.
They're gone, but I can't relax
As I stare down at train tracks.
Choke.
Little steps forward: one, two-
As my train comes into view.
Choke.
Throat tightens, it's not the day,
And I take a step away.
Breathe.
/18th nov 2016/
---
untitled
I'm stood at the mirror, staring at
The screw in my head;
It's come loose, undone.
I reach for the screwdriver, kept in
A box near my bed.
My routine begun.
Gripping the handle firm, I place the
Head into the notch-
It fits in just right.
Staring into the mirror, I turn
My right hand and watch:
Twist, twist, twist it tight-
As is my prescription for the night.
I'm stood at the mirror, staring at
The screw in my head;
It's come loose once more.
I reach for the screwdriver, kept in
A box near my bed.
It falls to the floor.
Fraught with anxiety, I grip
The loose screw by hand,
But it does not twist.
My efforts for naught, it comes undone
Like fingers through sand:
It slips from my fist-
As the loose screw cease to exist.
I look to the floor and see a box;
Crumpled pill packages missing stock-
And as my vision begins to fade,
I hear a faint tinkling sound made:
My reflection bloodied and maimed.
/16th nov 2016/
---
Tired
I'm so tired, my head is thrumming.
Let me sleep-
As I hear a happy bee humming.
I'm so tired, I'll just rest my eyes.
Let me sleep-
As an upset baby next door cries.
I'm so tired, just lying in bed.
Let me sleep-
As the sun comes up, my vision red.
I'm so tired, so I take these pills.
Let me sleep-
As a little bluebird outside trills.
I'm so tired, I tip back the glass.
Let me sleep-
As the man down the street mows his grass.
I'm so tired, door knocked off its beam.
Let me sleep-
As I faintly hear my mother's scream.
I'm so tired, darkness quickly creeps.
Let me dream-
As I drift to an eternal sleep.
/16th nov 2016/
---
untitled
Waste of breath
Waste of time
Waste of hers
Waste of mine
Waste of space
Waste of years
Waste of blood
Waste of tears
Waste of food
Waste of life
Raise the sleeve
Drop the knife
/10th nov 2016/
---
untitled
12 hours ago, I saw your face:
Tears in your eyes, we fought at your place.
11 hours ago, the train
I disembarked left me in the rain.
10 hours ago, I'm at our park;
The place we met, our names carved in bark.
9 hours ago. Sitting alone
on the park bench, drenched to the bone.
8 hours ago: Walking, walking.
I don't even know where im going
7 hours ago, at a store:
buying candy, pills and hard liquor.
6 hours ago, on my way home.
Baby why wont you pick up the phone?
5 hours ago, I sent a text
From the train I'm on. My stop is next.
4 hours ago, I was yawning
As I passed my apartment's awning.
3 hours ago, you dont pick up-
so I pick up a pill, lift my cup.
2 hours ago, no response.
A call or a text is all I want.
1 hour ago, feeling sleepy;
Muddled thoughts, it's hard to think deeply.
Just now, I'm starting to regret that
I never left food out for my cat.
/29th may 2015/
---
untitled
Her eyes dance, like stars upon a lake;
Wind-strewn hair blowing gently.
That smile is enough to make me hurt-
Because that smile is fake.
Primrose scent: alluring, sweet.
Jaw cut hard like an actress,
And yet her performance is failing.
Just as we will never meet.
Living a lie, an endless battle-
I've seen her face when she cries,
But still she smiles, gets on with her day:
Follows the crowd-like cattle.
She fights herself, skin tough as thick hide
And never looks towards me.
Like a terracotta warrior:
She's hollow on the inside.
/28th may 2015/
---
untitled
My daylight decaying, I've met your night;
Evergreens blacken-
Even the grass is the same on either side.
Rusty partition is falling apart-
What fence is there left?
You've fallen to the dark side of my heart.
And yet I'm the one falling, cyclical
Game of cat and mouse:
Our days spent in glances and upturned lips.
Back and forth, back and forth, never-ending-
I'm staring too much.
On your bony hand, I'd fashion a ring.
Although something is amiss, incomplete;
My head is hurting.
We've never spoken much, or shared a seat
And I discover the truth, chest tightens.
My heart is hurting,
Because we will never be more than friends.
/28th may 2015/
---
untitled
What day is it today?
I don't know,
Another yesterday?
What day was it yesterday?
I don't know,
Will tomorrow be today?
What day is it tomorrow?
I don't know-
Just an everyday sorrow.
/28th may 2015/
---
untitled
lying to people, even though
i dont have to
crying about it, even so
i cant stop it
i am a fly attracted to trash,
there's food that smells good.
you were a spider, web provider;
i need you, go away.
incoherence, misunderstanding-
im hungry again.
insolence, mistakes were made tonight:
choke down a meal for them.
i met her at an art gallery
fingers to the base
an exhibition, negative space
get it out of me
we shook hands, and you gave me a hug
disgusting, filthy
i'm sorry i can't hold you close by
crawling little bug
im shredding old tshirts, overworn
rip tear rip tear rip
hold the scissors firm or they might slip
cutting yourself down
i gave a bear a hug, he smiled
please stop hurting me
i made a home for a little bee
and yet i cant stop
cant bring myself to care again, but
im telling a story.
nevertheless, today's gone once more-
on every second line.
/23rd may 2015/
---
The little flower
A happy little flower
Opened up as the sun
Gave its morning wishes,
In this cool, early hour.
A lovely lady, local
Came upon the flower:
"Oh, how pretty!" she said,
As she plucked herself a petal.
The flower smiled at her
As she turned her back to leave.
The flower felt lonely,
But tried its best not to grieve.
A cautious woman, careful,
Crept slowly to the flower:
"Poor thing, darling," she said
As she plucked herself a petal.
The flower wondered why
She also crept away;
"Please," the flower begged
Unheard, "come back and stay".
A pretty princess, wattle
Strung crown upon her head-
"What an ugly flower!" she said
As she plucked every last petal.
The flower now understood
The cruelty of another.
As the flower looked upwards,
Its last friend had gone, day had passed-
The little flower drooped and withered.
/21st may 2015/
---
untitled
99 bottles of beer on the wall,
Fortnight recycling left them no more.
/21st may 2015/
---
red apples
the blade pierced within-
juices dribbled down,
a sweet fragrance.
sickeningly crimson.
/21st may 2015/
---
I
(looking at her)
There is an angel at the bus stop-
Not my bus stop, but across the street.
Flaming, red hair and white skin-tight top.
It's a shame that we will never meet.
I look down at my phone, can't be seen.
Last glance I stole: adjusting her skirt-
Navy blue, sprouting legs long and lean.
Even her shadow could make me hurt.
I glanced up again, needing my fix:
At the same moment, she looked downwards-
I caught a flash of blue, eyes a sea.
I thought my mind might be playing tricks.
Sun emphasizing her hair grandly,
I figured a halo might be seen.
As she grasped her black bag handily,
I realised the bus had come near.
I needed to act, quickly, with haste-
Standing up suddenly, arm lifting:
I waved at her, hand nearly a wing.
At the last second, she turned her face
As the vehicle came to stop in place.
II
(looking at him)
There's a man at the bus stop, sitting.
Mysterious and dark, features sharp,
White t-shirt, stretch black jeans tight-fitting.
'Cross the road from me echos a harp.
I quickly glanced down, checking my phone,
Pretending to, at least. Cheeks flushed
As i think about his figure, honed;
With dark blonde hair, side cropped, top brushed.
Enough time had passed, I looked up-
Eyes sparkled a second, he looked down;
Like honey in colour, light brown.
That glance filled me like a flowing cup.
His expression changed, lips pursed.
Wonder what he was thinking about?
Suddenly, a motion, hands clenched
As he stood up. My heart felt filled out.
Bus arriving, I stood up as well,
Put my phone in my jeans, facing him.
His arm in the air, my chest caved in-
Boys shouldn't cry, but I felt tears swell:
Because he was waving to that girl.
/20th may 2015/
---
Like a dry sponge.
It's time again,
Night after night
Crippling me
Soon after Ten.
Spoon filled with my
Deadly dessert.
Wrapping me, I
Began to hurt.
The lust has come,
Need fulfilling;
Temperature fixed-
A conundrum.
Ready at last!
Tap tap, tap tap.
Braced as I sat,
Shadows are cast.
Metal and skin
Came together:
This river is like
A long lost kin.
I took the plunge.
/20th may 2015/
---
untitled
Sitting on the hardwood floor,
Playing a game of chance.
Pair shook in hand, let them fall;
I'm watching the dice dance.
They both fell to a one,
I guess I'll see it through
Despite my terrible luck-
As I struck: One, two.
I picked them up and dropped
Them down again to the floor,
But I guess my luck stopped as
I stared at the dice once more:
Two. The lowest number.
Again, I'll see it through,
Despite my terrible fate-
As I sate: One, two.
I felt cheated, unrest-
My thirst could not be quenched.
Is this fate at its best?
Yet hands gripped, unclenched.
Snake eyes again, staring-
Maybe I should start anew.
Despite my fear inside,
I abide: One, two.
I could not fathom what had
Occured to me on this night.
Had a saint bowed down and
Tried to rid me of this blight?
My addiction ran course through fate and chance-
So for this night, the dice have their last dance.
/19th may 2015/
---
untitled
I looked upon the mirror
In vein, I see myself
And a pitter-patter
Of rain hitting the floor.
The rain's flow quickly thrums,
Fingers held disjointed.
A tinkling on the ground-
Broken glass left pointed.
/19th may 2015/
---
untitled
One two, one two, one two, one two
Be sure to step with purpose, too.
See a window, slight reflection
Pull down top; neck correction.
Someone walking opposite, oh
Stare ahead, hold breath, don't let it show.
They've passed you, it's safe now
Exhale slowly, mind whited out.
Don't forget to walk, automatic,
Neck bent down, ears filled with static.
Now it's a group, senses heighten-
Pull out your phone, grip and chest tightened.
Safe again, thoughts left in disarray-
Reflection, fix hair astray.
Person, pull back shoulders slightly.
Others around smiling brightly.
Laughing, laughing, laughing, laughing- stop.
They're laughing at you, heart starts to drop.
It's all in your head, calm down, relax;
Don't turn around and reverse your tracks.
You'll lose all progress, places to be-
I wish I was at home, fast asleep.
/18th may 2015/
---
untitled
There are four walls and a floor,
Within my mind, a chain-locked door.
There are three drawers and a bed,
With only one place to rest my head.
There are two windows and a mirror,
Yet none of them do I consider.
There is one room and I am in it-
A personal hell with no exit.
/18th may 2015/
---
Mary Sue aside me
We met in a dream,
Countless days repeated.
She came to hold me-
My will defeated.
I cannot fathom
The scent I whiffed.
Her auburn hair;
A paradigm shift.
Backlit eyes staring,
Lips cut like a maw.
A predator, I
Would soon know no more.
She laid me down
And took me to slumber.
We squeezed our hands-
A shotgun's thunder.
/17th may 2015/
---
untitled
I am the half-remembered dream
Of someone that is awake,
And as the seconds flow
Into minutes, into hours:
The dream flows away just as steadily-
Like sand falling through the gaps
Of a cupped hand.
All I have been and all I will be,
Are the grains of sand that had
Stuck to the tear-stained hands
Of those who had let it fall free.
/17th may 2015/
---
untitled
A river of melancholy diverges
Into the ocean of me.
Although all rivers divide and merge:
There is no end to my sea.
Bony hands can't grasp the shore,
The sand kept slipping through.
Wanton needs, my fingers raw;
The cliff-face seemed too new.
Militant approach to love, forsaken-
As I suffocate slowly.
Never again will this pill be taken:
The only cure for lonely.
/16th may 2015/
---
untitled
I cup my only hands outside
Of my only window, and
I try to catch the rain
For a thirst that never quenches.
Yet I only seem to catch the spit
Of those who laud above me.
The hand-cupped spit is all I drink
For the thirst that never quenches.
/16th may 2015/
---
untitled
The sky is blue, grey peeking over the horizon;
I never knew that beauty could be found in short gasps.
Although it's true that the ground bleeds mud when it's cried on-
The moment of beauty never lasts.
Yet I had lost, living in this false dichotomy
And had I tossed this doppelganger of me away:
It may have crossed my mind, brain like a lobotomy-
To try and live just another day.
Somehow I live as my foundations erode and shake,
But I don't give in to my putrid and failing mind.
Like an olive, pitted and crushed in the jar I fake;
The glass is broken, myself in kind.
/16th may 2015/
---
untitled
lungful of air choking me
like a stale cigarette
this city night is a blur
colour and screaming
dreams are made and
turned to dust on the sidewalk
nothing but noise and pollution
nothing but cement in the sky
train screeches by
twelve suicides
four hours to dawn
nothing left anymore
but i need you here
/15th may 2015/
---
untitled
I am staring at the sky,
It is grey.
As is the smoke, as was this day.
I am staring at the ground,
It is also grey.
Why is everything so grey?
I am staring at the ashes,
They are grey.
As are my memories of yesterday.
I am staring at my hand,
It is not grey.
Why can't everything be grey?
/15th may 2015/
---
untitled
In my mind, there's four
Walls made out of skin.
In my mind, there's three
Windows painted in.
In my mind, there's two
Chairs but not a table
And in my mind, there's a
Boy that is unstable.
/15th may 2015/
---
untitled
I like to sit and watch where the ant goes
The single ant on its own, heading towards who knows?
Maybe it's a scout, looking for leftover food,
Or maybe it's lost, forgotten by its brood,
Or maybe it's slow, making its way home-
So I put it on my finger, and now I'm not alone.
/15th may 2015/
---
I
(If they go)
Beware the burrow you dug
With the love you gave:
When dug too deep, it's
No more than a grave.
II
(Inside-out)
Do not become the tree
That leaves but never barks,
Termites come for dinner
When daylight turns to dark.
III
(Overwhelm)
If ever you feel an ocean
Start brewing from your emotion:
Take care how much you let them drink-
Your loved ones, you will surely sink.
/15th may 2015/